2020 has truly been a remarkable year, for better or worse. I wanted to end the year by sharing something I wrote two nights ago..
Grief sneaks up and bites you – often when you least expect it.
Have you ever lost it – broken down – because you were pushed over the edge by something small? I bet you have.
Tonight I stubbed my toe.
It seems insignificant, but somehow it wasn’t. I stubbed my toe.
And then all the things I’ve been holding in, avoiding and pushing aside just came rushing to the surface and tumbling out of my eyes. I collapsed in tears. I sobbed on the floor of my laundry room – not because of my toe, but because the pain from that little incident made me feel something again. It snapped me out of the numb state I’ve been in for the past few weeks.
It’s been fairly easy to avoid dealing with the loss, the trauma, the heartbreak of everything that’s happened this year while being so busy with the holidays. Focusing on making Maeve’s first Hanukkah and Christmas special and planning her upcoming birthday has kept me busy and my mind preoccupied.
But I can’t escape those things forever. They come creeping and crawling out.
As for me, 2020 began with a traumatic birth. I haven’t shared that story yet, but I will…
It was then followed by more traumatic medical experiences with my daughter in the NICU. 3 weeks later we finally got to bring her home…. and then another week after that we had to admit her to the hospital again. It was like getting my heart ripped out over and over. Just when we thought things were finally settling down and we got to bring her home for good, the pandemic hit…
I’ve spent much of the year working through the traumas, postpartum depression and anxiety, learning how to be a mom, and navigating my daughter’s multiple medical issues – while also trying to find some bits and pieces, some moments of joy and happiness wherever I could.
Now this year is ending with a pregnancy loss. Another trauma. Another devastation. I don’t know how I’ll heal from this year, but I’m not willing to give up hope.
Although I tried to fight it at first, I’ve finally learned that sharing my experiences, sharing my pain does help me to move through it. It doesn’t fix it. It doesn’t get me “over it” – but it gets me through it. It helps to relieve some of the sting. And it’s helped others to feel less alone in their pain. Knowing that someone else out there feels even a little less alone because I’m sharing myself makes all my initial hesitation and anxiety completely worth it.
So here I am, sharing. Giving a piece of myself in hopes that it helps.
Pain and grief have been a theme this year. For everyone.
We are all suffering through a collective trauma. Everyone is in pain in some way or another.
But that’s my pain. And it matters, just like yours does. There’s space for everyone to feel. Give yourself grace. Give yourself the space to grieve and to ache and to mourn all the things you’ve lost – no matter what they are.
If it’s important to you, it’s important.
You’re important. You’re not alone.
Let’s wish and hope and pray for better days ahead.
Let’s lift each other up and try to help each other however we can.
Let’s take good care of ourselves.
Let’s give up on guilt and shame and take back the power to treat ourselves with the love and respect we deserve.
You’re allowed to give yourself love. You’re allowed to feel proud of yourself and share your great moments and your achievements and happiness.
And you’re allowed to share your pain and your hurt and to ask for help.
You’re allowed to be you and feel proud of who you are.
I hope in 2021 we can all learn to love ourselves and each other a little more.
xoxo Miss Mariss
The latest from my Instagram – MissMariss01
MissMariss 